I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
