Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
