cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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