if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
