She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
