ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
