Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
