ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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