hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
