Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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