He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
