I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
