his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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