I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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