His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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