I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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