if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
