Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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