1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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