he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
