I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
