You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i love accidental penises.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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