Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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