Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
