so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
