so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
