I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
