ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
