I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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