i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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