Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
