i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
