I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
