my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
