youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
