Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
