two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
