drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
