I cut my penus on the lid.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
