I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
