threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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