I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
