i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
