At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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