1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
My balls are so social today.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
