Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
