I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
be right there i have to get my cape
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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