My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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