Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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