I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
