The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
