oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
