Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
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