just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
