there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
