Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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