I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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