i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
