I'm laying in your front yard are you home
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
