Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
