I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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