if you like me you must not know who I am
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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