3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
